Everything all at once - Joy and sorrow

Sometimes, the timing of the highest peaks in our lives coincide with the darkest point, like it did for me in 2016. Maybe the victory before the saddest moment helps us to overcome the difficult moments and get through the deepest of valleys. Does the pain truncate the season of success and joy? Does it enable the realization that physical gains in this life cannot be compared to the intangible moments of joy shared with loved ones? After 6 and a half years, I still feel the wrenching pain. A sense of one conquering the world happened on 18 March. A devastating loss cuts so deeply on 10 April. It was the year I questioned the worth and cost of success if loved ones are no more present to share the happiness. I learnt that healing needs time but time does not always like to be told how quickly it should fly. If only we can linger on longer in the moments of joy, and yet move on rapidly out of the dark seasons. Tell me the way.

A lingering scent that invokes familiarity

Scientific research reports that we are attracted to people who have opposing MHC (Major histocompatibility complex) from us. This is to ensure a diverse immune system of the offspring and increased chances of survival under difficult conditions (disease from infections). However, they said that good friends who have similar MHCs tend to have a better connection but this is not for the sake of breeding.

Why does your scent triggers a memory, a familiarity, a comfort and a sense of lost love.

It started from the first day and still did not dissapate.

I know this from the blanket we used to share. How can the scent from two individuals be so similar? Is it the laundry detergent, or just the scent from back home that I miss?

If I could fill a jar of this scent, I would give to possess it.

I crave for the oxytoxins and endorphins that your scent induces in my brain.

I have to separate the individual from the scent that I love, before it swallows me up whole and I cannot withhold.

Maybe it is my scent, not yours that I love. If we have the same scent, then I might be narcissistic.

 

two hours of sleep during the circuit breaker phase

the past attachments chain me down.  i see your face or whatever memory left of it. Jumbled pieces of time and fragments of nostalgia intermixed with a sense of loss.

i see a movie playing and three of us watching, the comforting silence only broken by the sounds of tortilla chips and guacamole. i edge closer to you. i offer a chip but you return me with more. i am content knowing there is an underlying bond that resonates between us. words take a backseat. time stands still for a moment. then I awake with a sense of longing for more.

humans are greedy even in relationships. the thirst for more is not quenched easily.

it feels like a part of me went missing for the past 13 years. maybe i lost it when i lost you then.
returning to past is not a solution. closure seems to be. how do I suppress desires in this reality?

the added thumping sound from the floor above does not help one return to sleep.

i made you the reason to leave you and it was necessary against my weak will. but you never resisted bearing the blame.

the optimum distance from you is a metre away at the expense of not knowing how this will end. in my head or yours?

has my heart gone cold...

has my heart turned cold? Am I shutting everything out of my life? Am I losing my reason and anchor? like a lost buoy drifting out on the ocean, i await the day i am found.

no love. no joy. no light. I long for thee.

in the darkness, I search for something to cling onto. that may be the truth. where can i find it? how do i warm my heart once again?

the state of neutrality and nonchalance spells a most dangerous end.
the reckless living. the loss of attachment. the sense of no identity. i struggle to rise above the murky waters and to find the light.

lost in space

along with the demise of friendster (as a networking portal), so my contact with long-lost friends. friends who were once long-lost and then found are now lost again beacuse not everyone uses facebook. lesson learnt today: information we keep on the internet is never forever, so think twice about keeping important documents or love notes received from ur sweetheart on free email providers, or even more, think twice about relying on facebook or other social sites to maintain our connections with friends for us. can we buy insurance to guard against losing information or sue these organizations for the loss of connectivity with a friend?

for the rest of the 49.99% in the world (with China excluded) who depend on facebook, we never know if facebook is suddenly deleted tomorrow and finding that connection can be a painful task.

i wanted to start this entry quite differently. but since i didnt, i will end it with how it was supposed to start.
a scream into the night," AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
cos babies are entitled to their freedom of screaming aloud and sensible adults aren't.

hard truths: social engineering part 1

what is the rationale behind imposing a racial quota for people living in the same HDB block?
if promoting ethnic diversity is the reason, then so far, i have seen the opposing effects it brings. HDB should really consider the stress it puts on people having to put up with neighbours who are so socially different, whether of background, education, beliefs, lifestyle, and how conflicts can arise.
i am not saying that i am intolerant of other ethnic groups. most of my close friends are not of my ethnic group. but at least they share similar lifestyle patterns. if HDB is trying to promote racial harmony, this is certainly not the way to achieve it. In fact, more ill-bred feelings and mental stress are likely to arise from it, seeing that HDB only applies the ethnic quota without considering the demographic and lifestyle differences of these people.

take for instance, if i am an early sleeper but have neighbours who play loud music till 3am every night, i would be mad, and most likely at their inconsideration, however, if these neighbours are of a different ethnic group, would it not be natural for me to attribute this anger and ill-feelings towards them to their ethnic background? the point is humans naturally prefer to keep to their familiar environment of their own same herd type. and if the institution prefers to bring in a foreign entity, positive impressions are vital for the success of integration into the group. these positive impressions stem from harmonious relationships, and similar lifestyle patterns resulting in calm and relaxed home environments would be the cornerstone to build these upon. We face enough hostility in the workplace 12 hours a day and wish not to deal with more differences around the home.

so i propose that HDB besides taking into account racial quota, even more so, should apply the criteria of matching of lifestyle patterns amongst residents who live in the same block. (similar to how SDU is taking pains to match people for couplehood). this on one hand can reduce conflict and unnecessary stress (and help birth rates!), and on the other provide for the establishment of unique niche towns with infrastructure catering to specific needs of the particular group of people residing there. WE would do away with a macs or giordano or any chain of franchise shop in every shopping mall of every estate in singapore. a perfect example are university towns, where shops etc cater to the young. Only by creating residential estates where people of common demographic backgrounds live together (i do not mean same race but rather similar ages, etc), can we create towns with unique identities.

if HDB is not going to review their racial quota policies, why should any Singpoarean pay nearly 1 million dolllars to live for the next 30 years next to neigbours that put stress on you which is simply due to the underlying differences in their lifestyle patterns and the stupid ignorance of HDB govt agency.

identity disconnected

This is how i feel.

disconnected thoughts.

how much of my identity comes from the rest of the people around. if we scruntize hard enough, we will find that we are after all, pieces of others.

facebook is...

what is in a photo? the strangeness of a new fact forced down the throat, choking one. The harshness of reality that i cannot face, 10 years ago and now. an image is all is needed for imprinting of fact, yet it can suffocate. and now i feel i cannot bear it. i have to get away. an empty shell tied to illusion of feelings, no substance but as hot coals under the feet, it singes. where is the hurt, buried underneath it cannot be localised. something isn't right but i need to accept. i need to go. i hate facebook because i cannot live with it for its insecurities and i cant live without it for its knowledge of tales of others. someone help tell me how to delete and NOT deactivate it!

drunkardness and emotion

3 years has whizzed by in the wink of an eye. i've grown in aspects i've least expected to and ignored or pushed aside the rest.

love and life. from the lessons you have now taught me, love i've learnt is about giving and nurturing and not about neediness stemming from low self esteem that keeps seeking for more.

how quick a relationship once strong and happy turns into a bitter soup of hurt and sorrow. how it leads into a downhill spiral i do not know. drunkardness desuppresses the hindered expression of closet hurt and guilt, causing emotions rising from the bottomless well of darkness to erupt and overflow into neighbouring souls. how can we find a solution.

is relationships and people only an investment that we hope for returns? we take risks when we fear not, when we are filled and not empty. yet, emptiness could also drive the need for risk-taking and when in desperation for love or companionship, we could commit to things later we regret.

In return for stability of mind and emotions, I have taken away your right of self-expression. which is better of the two? self-expression without limits or the stability of mind and focussed energies?

fragmented thoughts of tonight i cannot seem to join. i'll leave the rest for another night.

glimpse into the past

thanks for the lessons, the little moments of joy and the pain of other times. thanks for the love, the gifts that warm the heart and the things that did not come to pass. memories fade so quickly that an old photo can look foreign and new, yet the feelings are the only thing i can remember. i cant recall you, but i remember your character and little idiosyncracies and the flame that burns inside and keeps you ticking. is that your soul i recollect...or am i looking into another illusion..putting the object on a pedestal...and admiring from afar..

what do i feel? nothing. feel like i lost my heart along the way. lost my fire and passion. lost my hope in love. lost myself. and i didnt even realise when i misplaced myself.

let me go in search of my soul..hopefully, its still around somewhere...

how do we measure the worth of one's love or of one's life?

how do we measure the worth of one's love or of one's life?

through deeds performed by the individual and how they benefitted others or of the constant thoughts one has of his love?

can this be truly felt while one is alive? or should it's full effect be experienced only when the person is lost to this world and only his presence lingers on in your mind? that how long after it still haunts you, and however you wake up, you think of only one and you forget that he's gone. it hurts, yet the pain is so long buried under that there is no longer a way of reminising when fully awake. memories only belong and exist in dreams where time does not limit the dreamer to the present realities and one is free to be living any part of life, whether past or future, all captured in a moment, in a feeling, in a word. Compressed memories, thats how i would describe dreams. the only gribe i have is the human mind's inability to return to reality at the instant of waking. that it feels like waking up to a wrong time zone and worse still, the truth hits like a rock on the head. but no matter how i try, i cant go back through the time machine of dreaming to the time when i was content and happy and things were a certain way. funny that even the line of "it only happens in your dreams" doesn't apply here.

if time is circular in nature, would we return to what we once were?

would we find ourselves again in the chaos of this world? would circumstances lead to a happy ending?

i guess the worth of one's man is measured by the extent that he has loved another and the capacity he has to love another is driven by extent in which he is first loved. Can we conclude then that only a man who is greatly loved firstly can prove to be of great worth to this world?
the greatest man who gave himself for the lives of all must have been aware of being most greatly loved in the whole universe. how powerful that revelation is! empowering one to live to his true purpose and full potential, without worries, without concern and with bold confidence for the future ahead! I thank God that I am so abundantly loved and will remind myself of that everyday. with love comes trust, comes surrender.

5am revelation:
the measure of the worth of One's love and One's life is simply answered in Jesus.


Love the lyrics of this song.

How he loves by David Crowder Band.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

memories choke

memories has once again found me. is it foolishness that gave me away?

past emotions mixed with future possibilities leaves me confused on how I feel at present.

to love or to hate? to hold on or to forget?

time stands still in moments of sleep and dreams dictate their own set of logic.

emotions rise and rationality is overtaken.

i have to speak out but words cannot escape.

of fireballs and bolides

this morning is supposedly the exact time when geminid meteorite showers will be at its peak throughout the year and the most spectacular sightings of meteorites falling are expected to be observed.

but nothing is as expected and the most exciting things in life are those unanticipated.

which reminds me of abt a year ago, was the date november 29 or somtime in early december 2007? at approximately 1:40am in the wee hours of the morning, while i was driving home, i took the wrong route due to sleepinesss and had to detour. but very possibly that was the blessing in disguise and im glad it happened. when i was driving on the expressway (pie) from jalan bahar towards the city and just as my car climbed to the top of the flyover (hong kah flyover?), my friend (who was in the car with me) and i spotted a blazing green fireball which appeared in the sky and was falling towards the earth, accompanied by a short bright whitish and bluish trail behind it. in those few split seconds which it appeared and fell and disappeared behind some HDB flats happened to be the the same few seconds which my car approached the top of the flyover before descending it. what is the probablity that both events should occur at the same time? particularly where it involves a rare type of green fireballs, hardly spotted in singapore at all...

at that point of time, i knew it was like a sign God was showing me in the sky and was overwhelmed by feelings of excitement and joy. i only regret not penning it down earlier as some details of the incident are now lost to memory.

anyway, i did some research on sightings of green fireballs/meteorites/bolides in singapore and so far there are only few accounts of these events, with a major n widely reported one in jan 2007. http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/singaporelocalnews/view/251385/1/.html
other than that, no one else has reported anything like what i've seen more recently in singapore. tho there are large number of cases in the USA.

its strange why i suddenly have this urge to pen this down and to be a witness to a rare astrological event. anyhow, it may prove useful one day. who knows..for now, im just hoping to see another one of these magnificient works in the sky soon.

“The pen moves across the earth: it no longer knows what will happen, and the hand that holds it has disappeared.” - Paul Auster

of squishes and blurbs...

is our journey in life a colourful patchwork of experiences and emotions connected by threads of past memories that ultimately forms our cloak of identity?

can the golden threads of memories be unpicked and resewn in what we choose to be?

how we often underestimate the strength of these tiny threads invisible to our eyes, unaware of them affecting our decisions made?

how many also direct their anger over their present circumstance to the resilence of these threads?

threads which one sews on through the years as the tailor of his own life.

threads which the tailor is only too familiar with and knows everyone by heart.

threads which only the one who sewn them can unpick.

words during a hangover due to sleep deprivation

Sufficient words for the day, rejection is at your doorstep.
He knocks and beckons you to accept him.
But welcome him, you choose not and
Instead you shut the door in his face,
refusing to admit his presence and his timely arrival.
His demeanor never falters, still he continues to knock and
await the day you finally decide to accept him and let him into your life.

Blinded by layers of cotton candy,
We perceive the world to be sweet and rosy.
Carried on fluffy clouds,
We drift into our own world of only rights and no wrongs.
Like little sheep for the slaughter,
We are fools ignorant of the impending fall.
Too late for realizations,
We face demise like the silk worm’s cocoon ball.

transit in blogspace

well, to start off the first entry in my blog in 8 months and the first one in 2008 with something great, awe-inspiring, shocking or thought-provoking would be exactly what is expected by the reader (if any), just like what most other blogwriters do after a long hiatus to regain some sort of lost readership. but nothing of that nature shall be noted in this first entry. how many first attempts or first experiences outshine the second? no matter how memorable first events are like the first steps of a baby, first steps taken on the moon, first words of a child, first public performance by a singer, first discovery of some novel protein (most nobel prize winners sad to say are not the first who make the discovery), first kisses given or received, they are often only remembered by the person experiencing it. and to the rest of the world who care only about their own "firsts", don't give two hoots about another's firsts. though what follows after the first is often greater and improved over the former, still we bother about the first with greater attachment to the memory, place it on some pedestal and cherish it with undying feelings. probably thats why we are humans.

shoes...

how long will we continue to bear fitting into a pair of old shoes that we have grown out of, that is now causing us pain to fit in?
its time to take off your shoes and be courageous to walk barefooted.
for we do not know if the ground below is hard or soft, rough or smooth till we dare to try.
who knows, all this while, we might have been right on the beach walking along in undersized shoes, missing on the feel of the soft sand beneath.

lets enjoy the freedom of the feeling of having no shoes on till we grow tired of it and we know its time to start finding a good pair of shoes that fit comfortably and won't bite.

entanglements

epicurean desires, spiritual calling.
how can 1 body encompass both?

bittersweet hatred n love. fragments of who i am.
leaving a trail of destruction from my actions of impulsiveness.

to give others a chance at freedom is what my heart desires,
yet to have the ability to tie them in shackles means power, power so attractive, i am tempted by it.

can you let me free you from others, then have you restrained by me?
could i having been freed from you, yet choose to be restrained by you?

the beauty of entanglement we all attempt to escape from.

conflict and contradictions, which no one knows.

farewell party with sam n the rest of the gang...

a total of 15 people turned up,
exactly the number expected.

chatting with laughter heard over the cling clang of silverware cutlery on porcelain.
yet it could not be any louder than the silent thoughts running through yours or my head.
im holding onto you and your every action of sweetness to me,
while you try to distant yourself from my very presence.
still, you give hints of concern which leaves me more troubled than at the start.

sweet desserts of mango kulfi were the starters,
delectable, smooth, rich, creamy n full of ethiopian desires.
only to end on a spicy and sour note of pannataak,
to bring back one's consciousness to the core of reality's heart.

how long are you going to play with my heart?
how much longer am i going to let you play with my thoughts?
i thought all is fine, but till i see you once again,
i realise you still have a hold on me.

your presence lingers on,
tempting me,
drawing me to you, unknowingly,
that i cannot resist being beside you.

i have assumed the role of a saprophyte,
living on your every act of kindness to me.
bits of crumbs may satisfy for now,
but your heart will i crave for soon.

i learnt that purity of love loses the battle to moral conscience.

i am a fool in love, when the one i love, i am not allowed to.

total indifference

my first experience of total indifference.
how did my heart become so cold? did the coolness of the foreign climate seep into my heart and freeze it completely? that any hurt i might feel is but barely a sting in the eyes.
or has my heart grown tired of quarrels, of conflicts in ideas n beliefs, of trying to compromise, of submission n loss of self-identity?

i want love still but not when i have to give up certain personal beliefs. and i am not ready to give them up for anyone or anything. amazing how 10 days in a foreign country with 3 friends can change my perspective of life almost completely.

if i am not able to obtain comfort, support and understanding, is there any more reason to hold onto a relationship? if likewise, i am unable to provide you with all these, then we would just be two miserable people stuck in an empty relationship. let ouselves free, before we suffocate from each other's treatment.

rudeness and unkindness are far from being expressions of love. lately, concern you gave me little, shouting aplenty. friends all see it. i cannot bear it longer.

if i told you what i need, would you understand? or would you take it as a personal attack against you and in your defense of yourself, find ways to attack me or hurt me further?

i know you, that is why silence is best.

and from now, i shall keep silent.

where is your heart tied to?

the balancer of scales cannot find balance.
the protector of earth cannot keep a little plant alive.
the 2-headed person cannot think out of the box.
the contradictions of humans.

if you do not know what influences you are facing and how your emotions change with every word or action of another, then you are in a precarious position. some say and act based on real intentions while some have hidden underlying motives. there is no clear distinction of the 2. but it is important to know how the acts n speeches of another change our emotions and behaviour. i make people sound vulnerable but people are when faced with words peppered with sugar and spice or when actions of another are sweeter than honey. coupled with the low pre-expectation of such nice deeds n words from another, it creates a potential pithole for one to fall in. i do not like one's heart so tightly strung to the responses of another.

injustices suffice

how do i protect my loved ones from being hurt and used by others?
should i stand up for them or let them learn how to protect their own interests?
who will be there to defend me?

senseless

waiting to be found, yet not wanting to be found.

words and actions are contradictory, yet they are the same.

contradiction surfaces, but beneath lies logic.

synchronicity and congruency are hard to achieve.

one thing leads to another

In my attempts to revamp my blog and post some thoughts I had late last sat night, it led me to more than what I expected. All started with a thought of logging into blogspot but which later resulted in a last minute frenzy of booking airline tickets and cramming as many things i could think of into a suitcase in just a span of 15 minutes. Sounds vaguely like I was on the run for some hienous crime i committed and was forced to leave the country or risk being caught. The irony was I chose to leave at last minute's notice, chose to involve myself in an adrenaline-filled rush that how i dealt with every minute or second at each stage would determine if i will or will not get to my final destination: Philippines. Risk and spontaneity was possibly what i was craving for. I do not like change honestly speaking or coming out of my comfort zone. But why this sudden impulsive behaviour? i do admit that the last few weeks or so with nothing to look forward to in lab or at home was accelerating my ageing process. That maybe all i wanted was to see risk and change eye to eye. When i was young, rollercoasters in amusement parks could satisfy this longing which occurred once a while. Now, older and not so easily taken in by scary rides, I craved for something more exciting that could take me to a level higher. What difference is there between this and drug users wanting an increased dosage of drugs or drinkers wanting more alchohol? Same root of the cause but different means of expression.
At least mine hasnt come to a stage of violating any law yet.

i heard you are sick today or rather falling ill.
can't help but feel worried about how u are doing right now.
don't overwork yourself, your body needs rest.
i need to remind myself that as well.

abuse

is it fair to judge a person's character based on his family history?

researchers have noted that people with a history of violent family abuse, be it physical, verbal or sexual, tend to possess that same tendency to abuse their spouse or children later in life. this is highly possible, as abuse though taking on physical manifestations, is in fact a mental torture that damages far more in the aspects of the victim's self-esteem and mentality. it gives the victim a misconception of how a family should rightfully live together and lead him into believing that abuse is part and parcel of life, and sometimes worse still, that abuse is an expression of one's love. even if the victim is being re-educated later on in lessons of love, subconsciously, his mind still refuses to admit that gentleness and care is love and infliction of pain and hurt is not. he becomes a lover of pain and sorrow and flees from the love others give him.
if he continues and marries, the cycle repeats without end.


i believe that in the cases of smoking, drunkardness and gambling habits of a parent, it does not necessarily mean that the children would follow suit. personal experience can vouch for that.

thus, all being said, to what extent do we judge one looking at their family background?

ramblings

how do we not let external circumstances trouble us? for our hearts are easily troubled by little hiccups or rather beacuse, we give authority over our minds to trivialty. and later blame it for causing us unnecessary headache. such is human nature. inner perfect peace is a rare jewel, that so few of us possess.

by far, how many people you know of talk incessently and how many take the time to listen? i agree that expression of ideas, feelings, perceptions is top of the list for humans to feel like they are existing or rather have a sense of self-importance in a social situation. but where does the line end before talk becomes unnecessary chatter and noise? maybe, I have seen too much ramblings on the internet of little value or consequence. imagine if one were to read only things which are meaningful to the progress of mankind, and ignore the others, the extent of work done would be enormous. but then, we humans thrive on the trivial and superfluous: gossips, scandals, personal stories of others. that we probably could not operate without this.


disclaimer: what i write is an expression of my thoughts towards human behaviour. It is neither aimed at pleasing nor enlightening anyone. i am after all just another observer in the background. if my words provoke you in any way and cause you stress, unhappiness, anger of any sort, you have the choice of ignoring and moving onto another website. like i said, inner peace is not a part of everyone.

full circle

all humans are bound to die, as from the earth we are crafted from, so back to the earth we return.
we die more than once in this lifetime.
some part of our soul dies along with a broken relationship or losing someone close to our hearts or betrayal by a friend.

through moulting, we then grow stronger n become refined by the fires of this world, till the day we look back at our old forms of earthen vessels and discover to our surprise how we now shine like diamonds.

its funny how this present moment hints of the past and causes me to reminise of the future. landmarks of my life, maybe, in the emotional sense. so thats how life goes..in one big full circle..though it feels more like a endless roadtrip down highway 51 with red stop signs every once in a while, making me take a step back, look around at the scenary and question where I am heading towards, heaven or hell.

motivated..by reason or by heart

motivated..by reason or by heart?

What drives us to show acts of kindness to another? Reasoning that stems from moral values that we ought to be nice? Or to win the company and support of friends in order to fulfill that human need in the Maslow's Hierarchy of needs - belonging? Or the knowledge that doing one good turn deserves another or put in a darker light, it allows for the use of that person in the future for one's own benefit?

or could kindness be driven from a natural, instinctive desire in us to help a fellow friend? is it borne out of the heart?

maybe the different factors contribute to our moral goodness. if one's acts of kindness is not shown out of love and this love is not given from God, then it can be said without a doubt, that one is not truly sincere and has a underlying agenda for that act of kindness.

since none of us can love perfectly, all our acts of kindness are tinted with sin, even if we consciously do it out of the goodness of our hearts.

love thy neighbour as thyself

when scars are imprinted in the mind and heart, one does not easily forget

faith for the listless
hope for the forlorn
love for the betrayed
peace for the tormented

acceptance of one who's actions and ideology differs from your own is impossible. compromise only errodes one's identity. understanding proves to be futile.
can one open up the mind n explore the foreign?

insecurity leads to judgement, judgement leads to hate, hate leads to murder, murder leads to self-guilt, self-guilt leads to more self-hatred, leads to death

simplicity

what purpose is there to maintain relationships for?
can someone tell me...

i know my blog sounds dark, depressing and jaded, quite different from who I appear to be usually, i think.

maybe i just do not trust myself, others, situations, virtues, beliefs.
to me, things fade. what remains? nothing and god.

superficiality i do not buy into. trivial talk accounts to nothing. why converse?
but we all still do, including me.

am i too hard on life? or just tired of it altogether...

Steamboat n BBQ at marina south! Lab outing...



caught in the act of getting food!!


the ZB fan club!


guangan n i

what the hell...
what the hell..

what the hell.

Gossip kills

gossip kills

Witnessed a couple of uneventful happenings in the past week, from resignation of a fellow colleague to culling of lab mice to hearing about how people can assume my loved one to be liking another gal...

these have changed my perspective on life and impression of people some bit.
and made me wonder whose words to believe and if every action and idea can be justified.

I learnt that..in every situation, there hardly is anyone at fault, only people holding different sets of values, beliefs and priorities.

when values, opinions and priorities or even perceptions of people don't meet, misunderstandings occur, tensions build up and conflict arises.

take for example, people can assume that a guy who is already attached, likes another gal due to reasons such as talking to her more than others (in her group of friends) online etc...
do they even see how he behaves with his gf b4 assuming what he does are actions of courtship to another?
how can they apply what they themselves only believe to be actions of liking to another individual? everyone expresses love differently.
Don't they have other better things to do than to speculate about these matters that could eventually affect the guy, his gf or their r/s or even the friendship between the guy and the other gal?
Would they like it if their bf likes another gal or is believed by his friends to be so?

before people start gossiping on mindless issues that could harm or destroy others' friendships and relationships, they should first consider the consequences ahead.

age is no excuse.

when damage is done, will they be there to repair it?

new face to 2006

how do u like my new template?

they always say to start the new year fresh and anew.

what will this year bring?

they always say better things will come your way.

when will the better things happen?

they always say to patiently await.

how do we learn to be patient?

they always say...nothing to that.

a million pieces

a million pieces, a million thoughts runnning through the mind, none able to sustain my interest for long, where can i call home except when my life's end draws near?

how can love and hate co-exist in the attitude towards another?
unless, the love and hate are in perfect equilibrium to each other, neither outweighs the other. sometimes love overflows, sometimes hate exceeds, but they always return to their equilibrium state.

loneliness is all an illustion meant to fool us into believing we need people. while the majority of victims of this condition are women, men on the other hand seem to be able to escape from it. it's amazing that they are able to put thoughts aside and continual about their lives without any emotional luggage. I applaud that, at the same time, despise that. Envy that it is something I have no capability of, despise it for all its inhumanity. Well, men were much better at self defence and protecting their asses from the beginning of time, so its only too natural for them to beahve in such a way. Women are built much more differently, able to bear and forebear through all trials and difficulties.

How can men and women ever co-exist?

oh..look! a quiz!

You scored as Arwen. You're Arwen Evenstar! This elven princess may not get in on too much action, but she's always optimistic and hopeful for the future. She does what she can to help her love, Aragorn, who is off fighting, and is always supportive of him. "I would rather spend one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone." Arwen 75% Samwise 75% Eowyn 63% Frodo 50% Gandalf 44% Aragorn 44% Gollum 31% Faramir 25% Pippin 25% Which LOTR character are you? created with QuizFarm.com

relationship woes

most of us act without questioning the driving force behind that action. this is fine, except in situations where another individual is involved.

A primary reason (although wrong one) for people entering into relationships is out of loneliness and the desire for a partner to be there as a comforting bolster for all of life's troubles and sorrows. they enter not to give to another but to take. even if one outwardly appears to give to his partner in the form of care, concern, hugs or kisses, could it be that he/she just wants reciprocation of his/her kind deeds? he/she gives with the expectation of receiving or in other words, with the end in mind. Only true love encompasses whole-hearted giving without expectation of how he/she can benefit from this. How many of us can achieve this? Shall i say none?
Hence, all humanly relationships are symbiotic in nature.

Intentions of starting a relationship maybe selfish. Nevertheless, relationships nurture people (at least they are supposed to), teaching one to love, to bear, to understand, to adapt, to listen, to speak with tactfulness. Unwanted side effects would be to cry, to exprience loss, to hate, to fear. Only in letting go, are the adverse side effects minimized.

In every process started, there is always the exit strategy and point. proper strategizing would prevent great loss on both sides and ensure that later on, another new relationship can be started without hints of any past failures.

DEATH - who's turn is it next?

after watching news today and seeing a devastating car crash in new zealand which claimed the lives of 7 tourists, a thought on death flashed through my head..

could it be that the number of deaths per day or per month/year is fixed by unknown forces of nature? and its just a matter of whether we are the ones to go or happen to stay ard a little longer... because deaths must occur to keep the population in check and the balance of life maintained...so to put it bluntly..to keep one alive, another must die..or to make it sound less harsh..as one's chances of living is increased, another faces a higher risk of death...does that make sense??

the inter-dependency and entanglement of human relationships is complicated and hidden well beneath the events so loudly displayed everyday such as death, sorrow, joy taht we often do not take notice of the subtleties and how much each action and decision of ours can affect another's life somewhere across the face of this planet. Time to start thinking?

no effect is taht clear cut unless each factor is taken out and analysed in isolation. that would be an idealist state. the combination of all factors contribute to a "push and pull" of life, making it dynamic and giving us a new direction at any single instant.

I'll never fall in love again...

What do you get when you fall in love?
A guy with a pin to burst your bubble
That’s what you get for all your trouble
I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again

What do you get when you kiss a girl
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia
After you do, she’ll never phone you
I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again

Don’t tell me what it’s all about
’cause I’ve been there and I’m glad I’m out
Out of those chains those chains that bind you
That is why I’m here to remind you

What do you get when you give your heart
You get it all broken up and battered
That’s what you get, a heart that’s shattered
I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again

Out of those chains those chains that bind you
That is why I’m here to remind you

What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow
So for at least until tomorrow
I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again

I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again

Lyrics from the song by ELVIS COSTELLO

i just love the tune and the words..haha..kinda relate to it..wonder why

Healed by His Love

something miraculous just happened...

since monday, i was suffering from a backache due to a sudden sneeze...it cuased a pain in the lower back which shot all the way down to my legs..making me almost collapse onto the ground at times..it was so bad that even walking up and down stairs was painful..and i could not even bend down to pick up stuff on the floor..it was as though my body had aged dramatically and i felt like a 50-year-old woman..the backache came out of the blue and was so unexpected..maybe the lack of exercise contributed to it...hmmm..anyway, i went online to check on treatment for backache..n it stated that in most cases, full recovery takes about 7 days to 1 month...n i didnt know whether i had pulled a muscle or torn a ligament/tendon or pinched a nerve (like what shaar postulated)...worse still, even when i took panadol for muscle joint aches on monday, it didnt get any better..n i started to wonder how long it will take to heal by itself...

BUT.......i was praying just now for my backache to heal and for my cold to go away (nose to be cleared of stuffiness)...and..after that, i just bent over to see...and guess what??? NO MORE PAIN!!! it just suddenly went away...and i am fully healed now..even my cold is gone..n i can breathe at ease again! Now, i can even run and stretch!! SO wonderful!!! i simply cannot explain it....

Thank you, Abba for healing me. You have made me glad once again. =)
and I am still in awe....

years back..on board a sailboat..with a couple of friends 

Procrastination

Found this on another random blog site....

Normal people would go: “oh man, I have so much work to do, but I keep procrastinating.”

Neil Gaiman, writer of many fantastic things, on the other hand:

Work beckons.

Actually right now it doesn’t beckon; instead it holds up a megaphone in front of its mouth and is shouting “OY!” through it, and then making rude gestures as soon as it’s got my attention.

confused

as i wallow in self-pity, i feel a mix of loss, hurt, anger, self-resentment, helplessness and frustration.
angry that people should say things that they later go back on. not the simple things but the more important ones. childish of me..maybe..cannot accept change, maybe..believe in ideals and not reality..maybe..

guilt..drives people to certain actions and behaviors..
do i want others to do things for me out of guilt and obligation or out of love and care and concern?

we all would prefer the latter of course, but honestly, can we even distinguish the reasons for helping another? sometimes, we just do without thinking, like an automatic repsonse, without knowing the motive behind it...
purity of actions drawn from the heart is what i believe in. how many actually do that?

OR is the action more important than the reasons behind that one should stop questioning the deeper attitudes? is it better to just take things on the superficial level or at face value, instead of understanding the true meaning of one's acts of "love"?

i do not know. questions fill my mind, waiting to be answered.
But
i know, nearing the end of one's life, all these dont matter much.

life has always been simple, its people who complicate it.

ps. most would not enjoy my blog for the "heavy" content or the cynical views, but it dont matter to me. i'll write cos it makes me happy.

where does life take me next...

PGA.. AGS.. AGA.. ABP...BII, IMCB, GIS
acronyms that filled my day....

yup...those are none other than A star and issues relating to it....

it wouldnt be this disheartening if we all know what we wanted to do after we graduate, but most of us are still in the process of finding our directions...it makes one feel like boats in the vast sea that have suddenly lost all sense of their direction and route..simply drifting about now to and fro, being tossed and pulled by the currents and winds..till our navigational equipment is working once again and we know where we are headed towards..

get the drift?

makes me wonder if this is a symptom of ageing, growing old and apprehension faced in moving onto the next phase in life: Working life aka adulthood?
the realities of life are finally setting in now.. after escaping from them these 3-4 years in university.

well, the pressures of finding a job after graduation or obtaining a scholarship for graduate studies is slowly building up in all of us and more importantly, deciding whether to remain in this biomedical research field our whole lives. confused and lost..guess i have to look to Him to set my sails straight in the right path or the one best suited for me...but i know for sure that ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD TO THOSE WHO LOVE HIM AND WHO ARE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE. Romans 3:18 (i think!)

to find my purpose in His will...

for i know, i will never be in safer hands than His.

Thank you, Abba.

HURT: initiated in the mind but manifests bodily

why do we hurt the ones we love most? cant think of any reason except unforgiveness and condemnation of ourselves.

do we always have to blame someone for any mishap or calamity that occurs, from the iraq war to tsunamis and earthquakes? seems like human nature is fond of picking a target to dump all responsibilty upon, whether it be a person, a group of individuals, or god. and so often, do we forget to look at ourselves and realse how interconnected our lives are and that responsibility should be rightfully held by all of us... except god. maybe blaming others helps us to forget our inadequacies and imperfections by focussing on another's faults.


my mental energies these days are slowly decreasing, likewise any motivation. what's left is just doing things for the sake of being accountable towards them. an existence based solely on that is not enough for long term survival, lest to say for happiness. only little bits and pieces of life excites me temporary and the joy is quick to dissipate. does anyone understand what i mean? or are my feelings an isolated case?

a rut i have to find a way out from. any longer will this life-sucking virus drain every bit of my energy till what remains is a lifeless shell, an automated robot without a soul.

i long to be consumed with a ever-lasting joy. i know where it can be found. but i cant seem to reach it.

give me a large filter with micrscopic holes to filter my mind of any remnants of hurt...

thankful

for every circumstance i am faced with in life, no matter joyous or depressing it may be, i will be thankful. Thankful to the one above, my father. With total surrender from a heart that knows He wants the best for me, peace reigns in my life.
i am eternally grateful to Him who gives me joy, peace and hope.
distractions will be put away from my mind and in place, is the knowledge that He loves me with a love far greater than i can ever fathom or that i can take in.

Our mortal lives are temporary, but His love and faithfulness towards His children are eternal. they never fade through the centuries but remain as deep and strong since the beginning of the world and time. mortal love is inconsistent and waver with our acts and time, but immortal love lasts forever. it has no blemish because it epitomises perfection. perfection that everyone seeks for in this world, only to be disappointed time and time again. only prefect love never fails.
however, we lack the capability to comprehend the depth, the width, the height, the length, the breadth of this love with our small minds. it takes a life time to know love, to learn to love one another and to know Him as Abba. Nothing more can be as satisfying in life as that. Believe me, if not Christ.

in retrospect...to bangkok

while listening to the music of Final Fantasy X titled Suteki Da Ne...

memories of the past slip through my mind like streams of water flowing gently in the brooks...and I am brought back to a certain part of my life which i have quite forgotten till now...

a story with no beginning or ending...i will try to recollect it here...but i know no amount of writing can do it justice for its sweetness n truth...

on my journey to israel last year in january, i took a thai airways plane bound for bangkok, thailand where i would stopover and transfer to an israel air flight to tel aviv, israel.

onboard the plane to bangkok, after much confusion and hasle over seating arrangments in the plane, i found myself sitting at a window seat beside a guy, possibly of the age of 22 or 23, chinese as i thought from his appearance.

at such close distance, it was kinda awkward initially as both of us kept quiet and were both immersed in reading material of our own interest. i was reading lord of the rings, or at least attempting to read it....while he was reading some paper....

time quickly flew by and meals were served shortly...

thro the ordering of meals, i realised that he was thai as he spoke in thai to the air stewardess...

after a few times of being in awkward situations like getting out of my seat to go to the toilet and he having to move out of his seat to excuse me..the situation became more relaxed...

and silence broke....

cant remember who started the conversation...but it isnt as important if the converation did not move on and progress...n it did..so much that we ended up talking for the rest of the flight..almost non-stop as i can recall..we chatted about lotsa things...not just plain conversation for the sake of being friendly but topics on our family, life, studies, culture, interests....it was as though time was not enough for the meeting of 2 strangers who were brought together by chance and time...

the meeting was much too short for our liking...and soon we realised the end of our tete a tete was coming to a close....but, any longer, the meeting might not leave an impression as sweet or memorable as this....

i dunno what made me recall this scene out of the blue...could it b the music...or just something i have brushed aside so easily...but now wish i had not...

and it was on that short ride to bangkok that i met this friend. the meeting i will never forget.

remember when it rained

I am wrong.

Most storms we cannot forsee.

when we least expect it to rain, it pours.

Just like today, it did.

Losing Sanity

How calm the sea is before the storm,
how sane one is before being torn,
how i seek for peace which is coupled to grief,
how it evades me for a seconds brief...

the ironies of them all...one can never understand but art least we can foresee..

Girly Girl


What kind of little girl were YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

Forces behind Love

the possibility of 2 people falling in love is like the probablity of 2 atoms coming close to each other over a given amount of time.

like the invisible electrostatic interactions holding atoms together, love binds and keeps people together.

But how do we remain near the other and yet not too close so that we dun end up colliding like the atoms do and separating to far distances?
And even if collision happens (coz its bound to occur some time), how long does it take for the 2 atoms/people to come together again? Soon or Forever?

Again it depends on that probablity of them coming close and the possibilty of them falling in love with each other again just as they once had.

What then is the ideal distance between couples/atoms so that they stay as that, having a balance of both attractive and repulsive forces?
in every relationship, that is the goal waiting to be achieved...some succeed in that, while others give up halfway as the collision proves to be too powerful that it separates them to the far ends, never to meet again.

At the American Idol Concert held in the Singapore Indoor Stadium in Oct' 04...
 

Joni & I managed to get a photo with Singapore Idol Finalist, Beverly! 

The 2 of Us 

Your element is Fire: Strong, hot tempered,
powerful, and passionate. Well now lets see,
being fire you are quite strong and powerful,
people look up to you greatly and often seek
your protection. You have the ability to gain
many friends and you are always one people can
count on to do what you say you will do. You
are extremely loyal be it friends or family
you'll stick up for them and you are never
willing to put them in a position that could
hurt them. You know what roll you play in life,
leader, and you intend to let people know it.
Not everyone is capable of leadership but you
certainly have the willpower and flare to do
it. You have quite a temper if it shows itself,
one that can often lead you into trouble. Once
your mind is made up there is no changing it
but no one said that was a bad thing.

.:-What is your true element?-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by

the Unexpected....how to deal

When life throws a hard ball at you...how do you react?

1) Stare in shock and disbelief
2) Respond with disappointment/anger/apprehension/fear
3) Worry over the matter

or

Simply.....

Just leave it to God to be our ball catcher...


I need to learn how to trust in Him.

is pride the only obstacle inhibiting us from attaining what we want, expressing how we feel, displaying the actions we innately desire to show, solving friendship/relationship/family problems?

in losing one's pride, one achieves glory and honour among others.
or does the loss of pride bring humiliation?

principles/beliefs and pride are separate yet the former gives birth to the latter.
can we hold firmly onto our beliefs and still forgo our pride?
can the former exist wthout the latter?
like children comes as products of a marriage..so pride is often a natural product of standing firm to one's beliefs...
as we know, pride comes before a fall, so does children come before divorce?

how much pride is enough...so we don't fall?

The last day and a half has been rather upsetting and emotionally draining for me....with not juz stress of the nearing exams but more so because of problems within my group and other personal stuff which i dun wish to talk abt it here....

aniway..
Just few hours back, after coming out from my bathroom, i found sitting on the ground in front of the bathroom door 3 little piglet stuff toys..and a folded note on them...

opened and the note read:

Poem on life

Life is like a box of chocolates..there are sweet times and bitter too. But in the end, they're still nice.

Sean Mok



I was touched and speechless by what my 13 year old brother did. Tears just rolled down my cheeks.

we came with nothing to the world,
we bring nothing with us from here.

why hold on.

Sunset in Israel

--DESIDERATA--

words for life

an excerpt

Go placidly

amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace

there may be in silence.

Speak your truth

quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always

there will be greater

and lesser persons

than yourself.

Enjoy

your achievements

as well

as your plans.

Be yourself.

Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical

about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment

it is as perennial as the grass.

Beyond

a wholesome discipline,

be

gentle

with yourself.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt

the universe

is unfolding

as it should.

Therefore

be at peace

with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labours and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery

and broken dreams,

it is still

a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

-----------

love is paying attention to the details of the one u love...

in the movie "win a date with tad hamilton", pete, the best friend of the main lead, rosalene, finally expressed his 'great' love for her and showed how much he knew about the knitty gritty details of everything about her..that she has 6 types of smiles and which days she straightens or curls her hair..wow..its realli touching..
(note: love lasts for 2 months, big love 2 years and great love changes you forever..as taken from the movie)

one of the sweetest movies i've seen so far

"Creatures like the sheep, that are used to traveling, know about moving on."

quoted from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

yet its hard for humans to.

Lisa Loeb
Stay

You say I only hear what I want to
You say I talk so all the time so

And I thought what I felt was simple
And I thought that I don't belong
And now that I am leaving
Now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you
Yeah yeah, I missed you

You say I only hear what I want to
I don't listen hard, don't pay attention to the distance that you're running
To anyone, anywhere
I don't understand if you really care, I'm only hearing negative no, no, no

So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up
And this woman was singing my song
Lover's in love and the other's run away
Lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay
Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
Dying since the day they were born
Well, well, this is not that
I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown

And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure
You try to tell me that I'm clever
But that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you

You said that I was naive and I thought that I was strong
I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave."
Oh, but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you
Yeah, I miss you

You said, "you caught me 'cause you want me and one day you let me go"
You try to give away a keeper, or keep me
'Cause you know you're just scared to lose
And you say, "Stay."

You say I only hear what I want to.

Rain from the heavenly skies above,
like tears from the red swollen eyes..
like fresh crimson blood from a flesh wound..
all trickle downwards into the cold earth i stand upon.


its raining once again..
and somewhere on earth..
someone is crying..
someone is bleeding..

Grasping Time

Strange how the week just flies by and this happens week after week...maybe not so strange after all considering that it has been like that for the past 20 years of my life...maybe it's just i havent got used to time itself as yet, havent understood the importance of time...but i certainly wouldn't want to wait till im old one day n regret having let so much of time slip by..

time - a concept i have to learn n grasp hold of soon


anyway, im an avid Josh Groban fan..only pity i dont comprehend the italian lyrics for some of his songs..

here's one in english that's quite touching..i like how the song ends with that last line heh

When You Say You Love Me

Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I'm falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breath.

When you say you love me,
The world goes still, so still and silent.
When you say you love me,
For a moment, there's no one else alive.

You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth,
And frozen in time, Oh when you say those words.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still and silent.
When you say you love me
For a moment there's no one else alive.

[bridge:]
And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still and silent.
When you say you love me
In that moment I know why I'm alive.

When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?

one word to sum up the movie, the butterfly effect...is angst.
feel drained mentally and emotionally from juz less than 2 hrs of it...

the morale of the story?

'the butterfly effect' describes how small and apparently insignificant incidents can set in motion a chain of events with far reaching consequences.

check out this site for more details:
http://www.obvious.fsnet.co.uk/butterfly/butterfly.htm

this theory sounds logical but if we were to consider each n every action of ours and how it affects everything else, we'll be merely existing and not living.

Sixes are a whole bunch of words; harmony,
friendship, family life, loyal, reliable,
loving, and you adapt easily. You do well in
teaching and the arts, but are often
unsuccessful in business. You are prone to
gossip and complacency. The Pythagoreans
regarded six as the perfect number because of
lots of math things; six is divisible by both
two and three, and was the sum and well as the
product of the first three digits. Please rate
my quiz.


What does your name and arithmacy say about you? (some simple knowledge of adding is required on your part)
brought to you by Quizilla

Heart of Gold


What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla



doesnt the gold heart look like a chocolate? yummy

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

Fulfilled

woah...legs are aching now..feet especially...coz guess what? been rollerblading for the past..hmm..10 hours almost..on wheels throughout..so really drained now..hahhaz..and that 10 hours included 3 hours of inline hockey training too!! manz..
wish i could upload photos directly here..anyone who knows..tell me k..don't really like the photoisland thingy..
was a prettty long day..almost awake for 24 hours continuous now..woke up at 7am to do my biology assigment on biochemistry..eee....spent like 8 hours doing it non-stop..then went to relax a lil' while after finally handing it up, satisfied and relieved. Ahhhhh......


self-sadomasochistic

somehow, i think im a bit sadomasochistic in that i enjoy doing last minute work, the high tension and stress involved and the adrenaline rush in trying to complete it well all within that time span...cool isnt it..guess i'll always be a procrastinater and last minute worker.. haha i know its bad..still in the process of metamorphosis...always will be..
the adrenaline probably lasted in my circulation for a long long time..which explains why i had that much energy to go for training and on top of that rollerblade around the whole of NTU and even out of school to 7-11 at 2am in the morning...
spent an hour there just looking at magazines and deciding which to buy..haha..finally bought the Her World march issue which i doubt i'll be reading it due to this current lethargic state..hmm..maybe i felt bad looking at the mags for so long right in front of the "no browsing' sign..haha..that i thought that i should get one at least...


Gossip mags and so forth

but these days, mags they sell are really thrashy..should juz see the content...all on the scandals of other people..i mean, right it sells, but is that the only way for a mag to sell? to stoop to the level of selling rubbish or 'juicy' gossip of others' private lives? hmm..but as they say, there's no supply if there's no demand..how true is that anyway?

take for example, there is coffee sold in coffee shops for juz a mere 80 cents..and there is also coffee sold in coffeebean for $4 plus...and people still buy the coffee that costs more..issit because there is a demand for it before the supply came about? was there a demand for more expensive, better quality coffee before people started realising it?

or is the demand or search for something more intrinsic, something that goes deeper than just coffee, maybe a better quality of living?

so likewise in that case of gossip magazines, do people enjoy reading scandals of thers that they may derive pleasure from their pain, to know that they are in a better sinking boat than the others?
humans are sadistic creatures to call this entertainment.
But anyway, i bought one. forgive me, Im just human.

Juz reformatted the blog...
realise that keeping a blog is the best way to use up spare time or waste whatever time supposedly meant for other things on it.
depends on how u look at it and how much time you have i guess.
right now, its the latter for me.

what right do we have to judge others, unless we first judge ourselves?
i find myself growing older and not being able to accept certain types of behaviours in people. i become intolerent to many things which i might even be guilty of.
is this a manifestation of my inner insecurity, that i dismiss others for small little faults? when i have even more major ones in my own character..
the most insecure people criticise others the most, for fear that others might first uncover their faults and criticise them for that.

To praise others, give them compliments and encouragement instead of disdain is a priceless virtue, rarely found in us homosapiens.
we try so hard subconsciously to push others down, thinking that in that way, we naturally will rise up and be better individuals. the paradox of that belief.

wonder why the human tongue can't be tamed after trying for so many centuries..
some traits (genes?) never get lost through the generations i guess...

seeking to find my place in this world, what God's will for my life is, and the paths I should take to reach there.

the journey at this point is unclear as the clouds of dense fog enshrouds my view.
whether it is night or day, i have forgotten and lost all sense of time.
the only road i have is to continue moving on and hopefully,
will daylight break forth through the mists and show me thy way.

i think im born under the wrong astrological sign or my birthdate isnt what its supposed to be. wonder what went wrong and where. even here states u r most likely a scorpio, sagitarrius or aries but im not..

IS this me???? hahahha..



The Villian

Your Jobs: Even at the workplace, you cant deal
with authority. You need a job where you can
control outcomes.You would make a good
detective, lawyer, dictator, politician, model,
or movie director.
You need someone you can control, someone who is
willing to let you dominate them. You prefer a
person who is your opposite, submissive and
docile, but still a challenge. You want
someone who wont change, even though you will.
They will need to cherish you and they will be
your number one minion. Your love interest
would be the number one importance in your
life. You would kill for them...
Your dream guy would be Randy from Scream
Your dream girl would be Sydney from Scream or
Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
You most likely...
Are a Scorpio, Sagitarrius, or Ares,
Are fascinated by death and/or the occult,
Are interested in horror movies,
Like the TV shows Survivor and Buffy the Vampire
Slayer,
Have got into more than one physical/verbal
fight...and won them all.

Best Friends: You would be good friends with other
Villians. You would also get along with Rebels
and Social Butterflies.
Love Interests: You would be happy with a Dreamer,
Planner, or Other Half
Enemies: Child and Ares


COMPLETE~~With Text Images~~The Super Ultimate Personality Quiz: Who are you? (With long answers!) All answers available, including your ideal job, ideal love interest, and more all in one answer!
brought to you by Quizilla

haha..yipee...i got legolas..! =p



Legolas
Please rate my quiz I worked hard on it thanks


Which Lord of the Rings person do you want? (many out comes for anyone plus pics to)
brought to you by Quizilla

realli like this picture with the rays of sunlight streaming through the clouds...


Rain: You are the sound of rain. You have two
important sides. There is your strong, powerful
side and your calm, gentle side. Both are very
important. Rain also reflects a bit of darkness
in your personality. It isn't bad, just shows
that along with the good, you also can see bad,
which can come in handy. (please rate my quiz)


What Sound Are You?(now w/ pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Aphrodite/Eros


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

whats the point of writing? i ponder as i write.
to have personal problems being let loose for the whole world to see, a disgrace for some and yet for others, a means to draw comfort and concern from friends reading it. in concern, can anything be done to solve the existing problem? or is concern and comforting words merely a way to spread rose petals over the grave? a way to shut the eye from the ugly and distressed? to turn the attention to the beauty of a rose?
however beautiful a rose is, thorns are found. within the words of comfort spoken, thorns that prick the heart and set the tears trickling brings one back to reality of the problem.

things that should not be spelled out should always be kept silent.
in silence, there is woe and hope.

love
too wonderful to comprehend.
hate
too insurging to restrain.

wish i could just sit here n stare into space..
till the pain is removed, the troubles depart..
and soon, will i find relief


as the weather outside turns to ice, my head within burns..
so unexpectedly.

It friday, 2nd day of Chinese New Year. Yet I'm feeling tired of going visting. And i have only visited my grandma's place. No where else to go. hmm, with time, chinese new year slowly has a new meaning for me. It reminds me both of relatives that are still existing and those that are gone to a better place. Once, it used to represent celebrations and reunions between family members not seen for some time. Now its a period of remembrance of grandparents who have departed from us. But soon surely, there would be a much greater reunion for all in the new earth and jerusalem, where i'll see them all once again.
anticipating that day to arrive anytime.
for now, i'll sit back n watch the rest of the festivities proceed along.

its 6 in the morning. havent had sleep yet, no matter how much i want to. the project standing in the way between my bed n i. blame it on my procrastination to get work done sooner. when does one learn the lesson of last minute work?

in the darkness of the morning, one learns to let go. to let go of the many things she once held dearly. its funny that only when we are tired of trying and putting in effort that situations work out better. maybe coz not giving attention to those things saves us from the depths of xpectations n disappointments. we all need to learn to let go, not out of feeling jaded, but of surrendering everything to the one who loves us much more than we can ever imagine or comprehend. only in His love, we are made secure, that nothing else matters anymore. Total surrender not to be mistaken for throwing one's life away.

coherent writing at 6:35am with lack of sleep?
incoherent thoughts throughtout the rest of the day.

its the eve of christmas eve. is everyone preoccupied with stuff of their own to do except me?
strangely, if not for the christmas decorations around town, i would have unknowingly forgotten that christmas is here, at my doorstep. its ironic that physical things around us have to remind us of important things. without which, we would continue in our mundane, routine of life. maybe, i just refuse to face the fact that christmas is here right now. it's too early this year. Things have yet to be favourable and the appropriate time has not come to invite christmas here for any festivities and celebrations. Wish it would delay and come later next year, then maybe i might be ready for it.

twisted. that's what the world is. people dun say what they mean but try n cover it up with crap. more insecure one is, more crap they say, juz to entertain others n hide their deepest fears from others. again its fear of what others think of themselves. why cant we put off all these facades n come clean with ourselves n people around us?
might save us from conflicts, misunderstandings n sour relationships, would it?
values n priorities r tiwsted as well.
the important becomes unimportant and vice versa. maybe i'm juz being too pessimistic n cynical here. maybe thats how i am? genetically or environmentally influenced..i wonder.

Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.

"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."

The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

i learnt today that the past can never be brought back.
has gone away. soon to be only a little fragment of my memory. that's all it would be.
i'll bury it somewhere safe and hidden where i can dig it out occassionally to look back at it with bittersweetness.

Interesting article i came across. =)



The Sun Stood Still


"Well, we've found there is a day missing in space in the elapsed time." Did you know that the space program is busy providing that what has been called a 'myth' in the Bible is true?! Mr. Harold Hill, president of Curits Engine company, Baltimore, Michigan, and a consultant in the space program related the following development:

"I think that one of the most amazing things that God has for us today happened recently to our astronauts and space scientists at Green Belt, Michigan. They were checking the position of the sun, moon and planets out there, where they would be 100 and 1000 years from now. We have to know this so that we don't send a satellite up and have it bump into some-thing later on in its orbits. We have to lay out the orbit in terms of the life of the satellite, and where the planets will be, so the whole thing will not bog down."

They ran the computer measurement back and forth over the centuries, and it came to a halt. The computer stopped and put up a red signal, which meant that there was something wrong, either in the info fed in it, or with the results as compared with the standards. They called the service department to check it out, and they said, "It's perfect."

The IBM head of operations asked, "What's wrong?" "Well, we've found there is a day, missing in space in the elapsed time." They scratched their heads and pulled their hair. There was no answer... One Christian fellow in the team said, "You know, one time I was in Sunday School and they talked about the sun standing still." They did not believe him but they didn't have any other answer, so they said, "Show us."

He got a Bible, and went back to Joshua where they found a pretty ridiculous statement, for anybody who had common sense. They found the Lord saying to Joshua, "Fear them not. I have delivered them into Thy hand. There shall not a man of them stand before Thee." Joshua was concerned because he was surrounded by the enemy, and if darkness fell they could overpower him. So Joshua asked the Lord to make the sun stand still. That's right. "The sun stood and the moon stayed.....and hasted not to go down, about a whole day." Well, they checked the computers, going back into the time it was written, and found it was close, but not close enough. The elapsed time that was missing back in Joshua's time was 23 hours and 20 minutes - not a whole day.

They read the bible and there it said, "...about a whole day." These little words in the Bible are important. BUT they were still in trouble, because if you cannot account for 40 minutes you'll be in trouble 10,000 years from now. Forty minutes had to be found, because it multiplies many times over in orbits. Well, this Christian fellow also remembered somewhere in the Bible where it said the sun went backwards.

The space men told him that he was out of his mind. But they got the Bible and read these words in 2 Kings 20:10. Hezekiah, on his deathbed, was visited by the prophet Isaiah, who told him he was not going to die. Hezekiah did not believe him and asked him for a sign of proof. Isaiah asked, "Do you want the sun to go ahead ten degrees?"

Hezekiah said, "It is nothing for the sun to go ahead ten degrees, but let the shadow turn back ten degrees backward." Ten degrees is exactly 40 minutes. So 23 hours and 20 minutes in Joshua, plus 40 minutes in 2 Kings, make the 24 hours that space travellers now have to log in the log-book as missing day in the universe.